I hate Lola! Well at least I do right now ;-)

It 226 am and here I sit fully awake to type this email. Why am I awake?? My dog had potty issues tonight.
I wont get into details, but lets just say the smell alone woke me from a dead sleep.

I wake up to a STENCH and there is now a terrible sinking feeling in my stomach. Being that I too am a freak about bodily fluids, Im seriously FREAKIN OUT. Throw in the weak stomach on top of the dread of having to put my hands anywhere near poo...this is so gonna be bad. Literally, there is a trail all the way to the bathroom (I always put a potty pad down at night, just in case) and its ALL over the bathroom floor. I just want to point out that my house has carpet, which of course where the "trail" is located. Well, thank goodness for the potty pad, but how in the halibut did a 4-lb Chihuahua make such a mess???? Has she been storing it up for a rainy day?? Maybe just waiting for a night like to night, when I dont give into her "cute-shaking-one paw up" routine? It was a conspiracy between the two dogs...I just know it. No more snausages for them.

Anyway, I stand there for a second, on the verge of hysterics, trying to get up the courage to clean it up. Cause, you know with carpet you just cant wipe, you have to scrub...Im teary eyed at this point. I decide to just do it...here goes...

So with my t-shirt pulled up over my mouth/nose (God forbid, I breath that crap in with my mouth open) I head to the kitchen (where there isnt any poo, so why is my face covered??) to find that a) someone other than me has been in my disposable gloves and there are NONE left - note to self: plan daughters demise in the morning and
b)the bleach is in the trunk - note to self: make it an extra painful demise since she was told twice to bring it in. Now Im seriously having a nervous breakdown and the smell it getting worse. I make my first attempt at cleaning the a spot, which went something like this:
cover face
hold breath
wipe
wipe
GAG
GAG
run AWAY!!!

So I get a clean breath of air and I go back in. Repeat following steps until all the little spots are cleaned up. The runner in the hallway is now in the trash, which is a pity cause I really liked it, but can you imagine putting poo in your washer??? Youd have poo germs on all your clothes...not happening.

So now I have to tackle the bathroom, with out puking. Thank GOD for the potty pad, but curse the person who came up with tile grout. I quickly put the potty pad in the trash bag and RUN outside...but wait...Im only in my TSHIRT! Damn it. So I drop the bag and run back into the house, stubbing my toe on the screen door. Sigh.

Now dressed, I head back outside. I forgot to mention how much I dislike going outside when it is dark. I dont just dislike it, I have seriously scardy cat issues with it. It is pitch black dark on my street at night and there are woods on one side of me. At least with a bag full of stinkin' doggie poo, Jason and Freddy wouldnt even attempt to get me. Then I remember I need to get the bleach and wouldnt ya know I actually locked my doors for once. Could this night get any worse??? Back into house for keys to retreive the bleach.

I now pour 3/4 a bottle on the bathroom floor and then realize I had to pee. So...I damn near asphyxiated my self...seriously my eyes were burning and Im light headed (keep your "ur always lightheaded" comments to yourselves, please). So then I start to think about my little dog having another accident and not going into the bathroom, because of the bleach smell. Or worse, what if she did and like...got sick or something from inhaling the bleach?? Damn my conscious! Back out to the car for the little fan, which was still in there from the Girl Scout camp. Wasnt Zachara told to bring that in the house, too?? UGGGHHHHH!!! Shes so dead. As Im plugging the fan in I realize Ive been walking in and out of the straight bleach and then traipsing all over the house, so Ill probably wake up to bleach stained size 9 flip flop tracks. Sob.

Ive now washed and scrubbed my hands at least 4 times, so I guess I can go to bed. I wish there was a way to clean out your nose of all the inhaled poo scented germs, but Im not even gonna get into that.

Okay, Im finally done and now telling you guys all about it and wondering why in the heck I even have a dog, what she ate and scared to death she might have another accident. Oh crap...hold on I gotta go put another potty pad down. Whew! Glad I remembered that. So after all that, Im exhausted, but just realized...I hungry.